all i wanted was an average after studying so hard. 3 tests and with 2 tests below average. its not like i din study. i did. and i studied hard. so wats the point anyway? why did i even overestimate myself to choose this kind of stupid course? at this point, besides saying fml, i dont know what else to say. sucks to be me. and seriously, FML.

lies lies lies.

everyday i think i tell at least one lie. in fact, i get the feeling tt everyday i live in is a lie itself. holding on to the lie that 4 yrs in uni doing a good course will ensure i have good prospects in future. i guess no one will actually know if its true. but i guess if i paint a nice picture of my future, at least its a white lie that keeps me going everyday.

sometimes its really tiring to keep lying to hold on to smth. and i wonder, is it that important to keep things by my side?things tt i keep have a certain memory to it. but does it mean that if it is gone, i wont rmb any of the memories anymore? im sure that isnt true..

different ppl have different ways of thinking, and doing things. some ppl will do anything to make sure they dont lose the important things they have in life, be it friends, family, loved ones, ppl and things tt matter to them. some ppl learn to treasure while these important ppl and things are still with them. i believe in the second group.

there's no point clinging on to things. nothing is forever. no one will be able to stay beside me forever.. much as i dont want to think about it, thats life. death is inevitable, and so is the process of losing and gaining. i just dont want to spend too much effort on the things i have already lost, and neglect other opportunities i have. cos i know that even if i lose things and the ppl around me, the memories of them will never fade. sadly to say, not everyone around me thinks like that.

they do all that they can to make sure things never leave them. isnt it tiring? even when i look at them, i feel tired. but well, nothing i can do isnt it? if they dont realise it themselves, there's no way i can do anything to help them. i just feel its a pity. to be able to use their intelligence and intellect to think of and do anything to get what they want. wouldn it be so much more useful to use it on other things instead? im tired of thinking abt the possibility tt someone is scheming, or someone is lying to me. why cant things just be the way they appear?

human beings are born to be alone. thats what i believe in. nothing and nobody that one cant do without. of course, its always good to have someone around you. but that is a gift, a luxury. not smth to be taken for granted. and certainly, not smth that one can keep forever, and stubbornly refuse to let go.

but thats hard to do, i know. im learning too. letting go is not giving up. it is actually a process of taking a step back, and looking at how our previous actions have affected others. yes, human beings are born alone, but what each and every one of us does, will inevitably have an effect on at least one other person. cos we all live in the same place.

dont misplace the trust ppl have in you. if they listen to you, believe you, that is because they trust that you wont lie. but if one day, that trust is misplaced, it might just be gone forever. people wont be gullible forever. perhaps i have the ability to influence what others feel, and what others do. in fact, im sure i have. if i dont do anything now, it doesnt mean that i wont. one day i will run out of patience too. one day i might turn ugly too. one day i might end up like you too. and that will become a nightmare.

but im doing everything i can to curb that side of me. that, is determination. dont misuse tt word. cos i dont think you're fit to use it. i just hope one day u will learn to love yourself, and learn that the world does not revolve around you alone. its alright if you hurt me, but perhaps u failed to see, the person hurting most is not me. its the person u care about most. the person you've been trying to hold on to.

but well, if you're perfectly happy with whatever you are doing now, i wish u all the best. and good luck in achieving what you want. cos besides these, i really have nothing else to say to you.

i cant believe its happening again. it happens like, once every month? how come there are people who pms more than me??

i hate it when i get the black face from people when i dont even know what i did wrong. its my life, the way i do things, and the way we are. does it concern others? no!!! even if it concerns him, i dont think he has a right to treat me like this. it really really sucks. and worse of all, i dont know how to solve it.

if this happens every month, by the end of 1 yr it would have happened 12 times. i seriously dont know how i am gg to put up with it. and i dont know how we are gg to put up with it. i know im getting on your nerves and you have to look at it from both sides. and you are being caught in the middle. i will try to ignore, but it is just so blatant. what did i do wrong???

f*** off. seriously. even my mum dont bother so much. why should he??? i dont know what i did to step on his toes. all i know is that. its affecting my mood. its affecting us. could you please, when u find a chance to, tell him all these? keep his attitude to himself. i dont want to be an area where he can vent his frustration. and i most certainly dont want to walk away cos i din do anything wrong at all! just dont push me into a corner cos i dont know what i will do. this sucks. big time. sucks to be me.

i Remember when zhiyong asked me about what my 2 languages of love are. i told him service and time. i like to do things for ppl, and i also like to spend time with them. but i like to write too. so i guess, thats my third language of love. words come in 2 forms, to write, and to say. i prefer to write. in writing, most harsh words are reduced to subtle forms. when saying them out, i tend to be rasher.

6 months have passed pretty quickly. i can still rmb the days filled with confusion and sadness. when i used almost everything else to numb the pain. that was almost one year ago. i never did imagine things will turn out this way, and eventually it did.

but i guess life will never turn out to be a fairytale. everytime something will go wrong. although we quarrel more often on our differences, rather than over other people, that one inherent problem is still there. after all these time, i've come to realise that, things never end perfectly.

then what do i want? haven i already gotten what i want? but humans are greedy. we always want more. at times, you look over my shoulder and demand to know who am i smsing, what am i saying. i play around with you by refusing to let u know. but im perfectly okay with showing you. cos i have nothing to hide.

on the other hand, i cant say the same about you. to the extent that when i see your phone beep, i look away. now i wonder, why? once, i tried to be open about it. and when you saw that i was around, you put your phone down. something to hide perhaps?

what is wrong now? what is happening now? more troubles? hospital woes? family problems? i can wait. i will wait. the thing is, everyone's patience has a limit. i dont know when i will reach my limit. neither do i know how to bring it across to you. when it, and you, still matter to me, i want to let u know.

to me, it just feels weird. sometimes i wna be an ideal person and say that sure, you can always remain frens. but deep down inside, i wonder, is it what i really want? is it too much for me to ask that you slowly stop contact? cos from what i see, its still the same. the same long smses. im not too sure about the frequency, cos i've grown tired of glancing over. why am i doing tt anyway? since i have nothing to hide from you, shouldnt you too?

look at your message threads. whose is longer? perhaps mine is. but im sure the other isnt shorter by alot. im tired. tired of thinking about when this will end. how many more months do you need? another 6? 12? 24?...

i know you care about me. you spare a thought for me. you know it is unfair to me. knowing all this, and thinking, planning what to do next is a whole different thing. for you at least. 'its going to end soon' may i ask.. what is the 'it' referring to? the problem? or my patience limit?

sometimes before i sleep, this will come to mind. sometimes i tell myself to talk to you abt it, but i cant bring myself too. everytime i see you, i always feel very happy. but inevitably, when im alone, what bothers me deep inside starts to surface. i've learnt to compartmentalize. to not think about it when im with you. each day i bury it deeper and deeper. hopefully it wun surface so soon. but sometimes it still peeks out.

it hurts alot, to realise im hiding things from myself. not wanting to face it cos i dont know how to face it. i tell myself everything will be over soon, and i cling onto this belief. because i care, because i dont regret, i continue to do this. will you be the hero as you have always been, to pick me up from this mess?

i dont know why my words are all highlighted in pink!! >.<

its been eons since i last updated. suddenly felt like writing something. and thats when i suddenly remembered i had a blog. im not even supposed to be typing anyway. IM SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING MY ESSAY!!!

nevermind. shall just vent my frustrations first. Guys often say girls are hard to understand, but i think guys themselves are harder to comprehend. some of them.

I dont understand what i did to offend him. Perhaps i did smth without realising it. But sometimes he's so nice and sometimes he's so hostile. I get the feeling im not worthy enough to be his friend. I only talk to him when he starts talking. it wasnt like this last time. we used to be able to talk about anything under the sun. and then sometimes he just shoots me down. i dont like the way things are becoming. yet i dont know how to make it better. and i guess im leaving it as it is.

its so ironic how a few months ago, i thought my life was perfect. i had great friends to study with, a nice and cosy family and im doing what i like. but reality sets in, and i realise that because of one fren, i dont really dare to mingle so much with the others now cos im afraid i will offend him further. i dont like being alone, but i dont mind not having anyone around me.

i miss NJ. there were always ppl to talk cock with. here things are just slightly more complicated. im getting mroe and more frustrated as days go by. and sometimes i find myself wondering, what will happen next sem?

it seems there's no one i can relate to. i dont know if im being too sensitive, i cant tell ppl who's with me everyday cos i really dont want to create tensions. neither can i tell others cos they dont really get what im saying. and everyday i just think to myself. oh what a sucky life. can things possibly get any worse? and guess what? the answer is yes:(

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. Haha. I cant beleieve mroe than one week flew past. I dont think I have really done anything productive, but maybe i have. haha.

I am going for the Peranakan Ball! YESSSSS! The radio interview i heard on Wed was really funny. I cant wait to see the romance blossom between the leads, and also how the 3 actors act as aunties. But it's gona be super rush on that day. In the morn there's NJ's College day, and followed by NTU's Chemical Engineering Open House, and then this Ball. Now I understand why bees are happy animals even though they fly around all day. I guess I can relate to a happy bee(:

Cant believe NJ's 40 yrs old alr!! 4 years in NJ passed really quickly, and Im glad to say I definitely don't regret going to NJ. Every year we are forced to go to College Day even if we have exams.(becos an off-in-lieu is given after that. want it? come for college day. haha)But this time I feel quite excited. Going back not as an unwilling student, but as an excited graduate. wow. graduate sounds super old.

Im quite excited for the open house too. But still quite worried as to what it has in-stor for me. Becos i really want to go NUS, but what if im swayed by NTU? sigh. indecisiveness has set in again. Be still, my wondering mind.

I WANT TO GO FOR KUSHIN-BO AND SAKURA BUFFET. i have been saying this since i completed my As. time has passed yet i have not gone. sakura has closed down its outlet in toa payoh so now i gota go to yio chu kang stadium or shaw plaza. kushin bo's buffet has increased prices again. now it's above 20. i think it's 25 now. BUT I STILL WANT TO GO. i shall try to "teh" to my father once everyday. haha.

and there's USP's play. Im going too! Wow. i feel so intellectual(: i realise i keep saying what im gonna do. ok, shall spend some time(but not now) reminiscing. ooh. something impt is happening tmr.

MY DEAR GLADYS IS COMING TO VISIT. i have not seen her gfor abt 2 weeks and i really really miss her. i just hope she doesnt bawl out loud too much tmr=p

oh gosh. i realise that I have not posted for mroe than 1 yr!! i always said i'l tidy it up aft my As. there were so many things i wanted to do after my As. but.. haha. i dont think i did most of it.

But there's still alot of things i wna say! First, Congrats to Dai Yang Tian for winning the Best Newcomer award!! Wow. I think this is the first time I have ever been so excited during Singapore's Star Awards. It's like, there's smth to look forward to. But, why oh why was he not nominated for Top 10 Artists? Im quite certain he will get a place. Haha. Well there's always next yr:)

But many things will change isn it? Mb he'l cut an album, and decide that singing is his calling. One year may not be long, but it's enough. Within this short period, many changes took place. Somehow I always feel everyone around me is moving on, changing, but I am just staying put. "How to lose a date in 10 days" Heard of this? yeah. I have my own version. "How to lose a friend in 10 days" Haha. Okay, the fact that I am able to say it so lightly now is cos it happened some time ago, which gave me some grace period to get over this.

I am not afraid to say it out, nor am I afraid to let him know who he is. Cmon, it doesnt mean a guy and a girl can only be in a relationship right. That's sooo. Primary school. I just feel that friendship is more valuable than relationships, you know, those kind. So i was really quite upset when this friend just disappeared from my life. But then again, after much thinking, perhaps he was not my friend in the first place. Just an acquaintance. Sigh. WHat's the point of thinking so much when i cant do anything? Owell.

With this, I saw a different side of this society. I need something that I can hold on to, and Im glad to say that I do have them. Those quirky JC frens, family, the tomatoes from NY, and of cos those PCS ppl too. I guess time does play a part. The longer it lasts, the stronger it gets.

I learnt to appreciate myself, and the ppl around me. I guess I finally understood what's meant by "everyone's unique". What you have, I dont. But what I have, you dont! Haha. Actually there's nothing much to compare. There are different routes to take, but it doesnt mean there's a better route. It just means they have different priorities, and diferent takes on life. You might not agree with what i do, but i do it for a reason. An action cant please everyone, but at least it should please yourself(:

Im excited for Table of Glory! (: Will Jiajun win, or will Ah Wu beat him? But that's tmr la. haha. (: